Relationship Insights for Couples in Counseling, Broken Arrow Tulsa County

Marriage Insights

Conflict Resolution

The common perception among married or co-habitating couples is that fighting is a sign the relationship is in trouble and may lead to separation. It is common for couples to focus on how much they are fighting and what the consequences could be.

When handled properly, arguments and disputes can be healthy if it leads to stronger development of your relationship when it clarifies the needs, wishes, and terms of your relationship.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned therapist who dedicated his career to studying marital stability, discovered that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages, but rather, how the couple manages the conflict. He identified four destructive communication styles that predict the end of a marriage/relationship.

1. Criticism – is an attack to the other’s character which reinforces and targets their shortcomings. People often criticize when their complaints are being ignored.

2. Contempt – is a deliberate way of emotionally, verbally, or psychologically abusing the other person. Contempt takes the form of insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language.

3. Defensiveness – is a natural reaction to being criticized, mocked, and belittled.

4. Stonewalling – is a method of conflict avoidance by tuning out, turning away, disconnecting, becoming busy with things outside the relationship, or engaging in obsessive behavior.

What To Do:

Pre-Communication Skills:
Before you address an issue with your spouse or mate, prepare yourself for the discussion.

Reflect and identify aspects of the relationship or your mate's behavior that upsets or bothers you.

Identify and establish the purpose of the conversation, and goals to accomplish, by discussing your complaint with your spouse. Keep in mind that in order for the conversation to be productive, the purpose should be to find a common solution to the problems where both you and your spouse are happy with the resolution. If your intent is to hurt, accuse, blame, and win, you might want to reconsider the purpose of the discussion and postpone it for a later time.

Communication Skills:
Be Calm. Although being calm is the last thing you want to do when you are upset, controlling your emotions will help you clearly identify and express what bothers you without exaggerating your point of view and making your partner become defensive before the conversation even starts.

Start with a Request for Help. People are more likely to cooperate and be empathetic when their help is being requested versus demanding them in an accusatory or authoritative tone to do something they might not like.

e.g. “I need your help.” Vs “Why do you always do ….?” OR “How many times do you want me to tell you I don’t like….”

Name the feeling associated with the action/behavior that bothers you. It helps to identify and name the feeling associated with the behavior that bothers you.

e.g. “It hurts me when….”
“I am angry when….”
“I feel disrespected when….”
“I feel frustrated when….”

Be specific in naming the action/behavior that bothers you.

e.g., “It hurts me when you don’t call to let me know you will be late for dinner.”

Name one issue at a time. Decide on a specific behavior or issue that you want to address so you and your partner can discuss it until you can resolve that specific issue. Do not overwhelm and confuse your partner with a cluster of issues all ot one time.

Define the desired behavior. One of the assumptions most people in a relationship make is that the other person should know what we need. Unfortunately, your spouse or significant other is not able to read your mind and they need your help to know exactly what you need and want from them. This eliminates false assumptions and guessing games which in a marital conflict ads to the emotional distress.

e.g., “It hurts me when you don’t call to let me know you will be late for dinner. Can you please call me and let me know that you are not able to make it?”

Ask the other person’s opinion on the action/behavior. When we ask the other person’s opinion or input, we elicit their collaboration and help. This allows our mate to reflect on the consequences of their behavior, and consider an option to address the complaint. Be considerate of your spouse’s point of view, and listen to their perspective. There is never just one single point of view on an issue. Be willing to reflect on their perspective even if it is different than yours.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Who can come to counseling?
A. See Below

Married and non-married couples.
Couples who are engaged or living together.
You can come alone or with your spouse.
Anyone and any couple who wants guidance to improve their relationship.

What are the office hours?
A. Monday thru Friday from 10 am to 4 pm.

Q. How soon can you see us/me?
A. I can usually schedule you the week that you call.

Q. What do I need to do to make an appointment?
A. You can call, text or email me with the day and time you prefer, and we can go from there. PLEASE NOTE: A debit or credit card is required to reserve an appointment. The card has to be provided at the time you schedule your first appointment.

Q. What office policies do I need to be aware of prior to making an appointment?
A. All the clients that schedule appointments with me will be informed about the Making/Cancelling or Rescheduling Appointments Policy. This policy is included in the first appointment forms and is discussed with every client at the beginning of our work together. This policy states that each client will receive a text reminder 2 days (48 hours) prior to their scheduled appointment. The client is required to respond back by confirming, cancelling or rescheduling the appointment the lastet by 8pm the day I send the reminder. If the client fails to respond back, it will be assumed they cancelled the appointment without further notice and they become financially responsible for the booked appointment. Please know that at 8pm the appointment becomes available to other clients, and it is no longer yours.

Q. What is the role of the Making/Cancelling and Rescheduling Appointments Policy?
A. This policy helps me provide equal access to services to all clients (existent or new clients). Each time a client makes an appointment the allocated time is dedicated just to them; therefore, no one else has access to that appointment. This allows me to keep my schedule organized and coordinate the care of each client I have, as well as allocating the rest of the scheduling hours to others that are in need of services. When a client does not respond to my reminder, they directly affect several people. My schedule is affected, and other clients are prevented from having access to appointments. Please understand that mental health services also involve emergency or highly critical situations where clients need to receive services as soon as possible. If you (the client) do not respond to let me know the status of your appointment, I am not able to coordinate the care for other clients and attend to their needs. Clients that need services but cannot be scheduled are put on a waiting list. This is the reason I ask a confirmation by 8pm the day I send the reminder. After 8pm, the clients on the waiting list are contacted and the available appointments are offered to them. Usually the time span between the moment I send the appointment reminder and the latest time I accept confirmations or cancellation is usually 10 to 12 hours. I send the reminders in the first part of the morning (between 8 and 10 am). By not responding to my reminder in that time frame, you (the client) keep an appointment blocked and others will not have access to services. Therefore, you (the client) become financially responsible for making an appointment and not taking responsibility for it or disregarding the needs of others. Please understand that I cannot discriminate against clients. Since this is a policy all the clients abide by when they start counseling with me, I cannot differentiate between clients and make exceptions.

Q. I live in Tulsa County. Is your office located near me?
A. Practically, yes. I chose to locate near the Broken Arrow Expressway to make it fast and easy for clients to reach my counseling office (just a few hundred feet from the 145th Avenue/Aspen Avenue exit). I was disturbed by the idea of forcing clients to endure six major intersections on one of the busiest streets in Tulsa County to reach my office. I dislike traffic as much as you do, and I wanted to make it easy to be "Near Me" for all area residents.